when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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