After last night, I could never be a politician.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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