You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
