i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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