I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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