wrigley field is MILF paradise
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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