he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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