remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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