if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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