i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dignity is for republicans.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
