mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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