I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
don't judge my taste in strippers
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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