a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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