I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
