Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
