True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
