Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
