ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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