I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
