Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
