I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
