sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
