I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
