I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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