the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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