i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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