You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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