my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
