Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
