have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
