Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
