drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
