I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Randomize
