Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
