The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Randomize
