I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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