WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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