WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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