I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
