my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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