He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
