I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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