I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
