How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
