Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Congratulations! We have a period
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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