im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Randomize
