We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
