I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
