ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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