Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
