I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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