Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
