Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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