Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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