just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
